If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
