I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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