Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.