i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.