Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
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Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
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I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???