If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
