you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
