i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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