I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
