I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
