Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
