Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
