Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
