you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
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