well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
