He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
