watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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