Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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