ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
