I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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