i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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