You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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