tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
MIDGETS
????
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
