I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Randomize
