Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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