Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
