y did u give ur computer a hand job?
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Randomize
