I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
