I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
