yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
