I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
