i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
