i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
