I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
