Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
