Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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