You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
