I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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