Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
