I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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