Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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