i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
