I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
