Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
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