Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
