Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
