i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Randomize
