lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
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He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
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you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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