Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
