hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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