Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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