You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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