Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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