ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
