Midget sex pt 2 tonight
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
