I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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