He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I need a burrito and a hug.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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