The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Randomize
