Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
