Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
