No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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