Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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