I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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