The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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