she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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