if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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